This blog post is written by our Co-Founder and COO, Mel Faxon.
Maybe you’ve just “been really focused on your career,” (a hideous trope if I do say so myself). Maybe it’s just really f@cking hard to meet someone as a Millennial on dating apps. Maybe you thought that you met the “one” in your 20s and it turned out not to be, but you’re still processing. Maybe you realized you really needed to process some past trauma and you had a relationship with your therapist for a while instead of a romantic partner. Maybe you were finally ready to hit the ground running and then 2020 said LOL.
Maybe, like me, you’re 32, single, have had some combination of the above, and are in the process of deciding what a family might look like for you. Do I want kids? If I don’t now, will I change my mind if I do meet a partner?
For womxn particularly, we have to think about our fertility. Should we be taking steps to freeze our eggs? To give ourselves the runway we may or may not need?
For most of us though, the biggest question to tackle is how can I have kids, regardless of whether or not I do it with someone else? We can break down “how” into three major categories; physically, financially, and logistically.
For the physical: there are many options to grow a family without having a partner (or if you do have a partner, but “traditional” insemination isn’t going to work for you). You can set up an agreement with a friend(s) to co-produce. There’s donor sperm, there’s artificial insemination, IVF, surrogacy, adoption. With all of these, there are varying lengths of time, varying risk factors, and a lot of different legal nuances to consider.
Questions to ask yourself:
- If my friend donates their sperm/eggs, what legal rights do they want/will they have? Same question for donors/surrogates. What rights do I want them to have?
- How do I decide if my child should or shouldn’t get to meet their biological donor parent when they’re old enough?
- What are the hormonal and physical effects of IVF? Of pregnancy? How much will each of these cost?
Which brings us to this: can I actually afford to have a baby on my own if I want to?
I am going to be straight with you. Babies are expensive. Full stop. It’s estimated that on average, raising a child costs just under $20,000/year for middle-income households (until the age of 17, not including college). This doesn’t mean that it’s impossible; in fact, 23% of families in the US are single-parent. It just means you’ll need to get creative, especially when it comes to childcare. If you do want to start a family alone, here are some more questions to ask yourself:
- How much money do I currently have in savings?
- How much money could I save each month?
- What options do I have to grow my wealth if I don’t feel like I have enough of a nest egg?
- What kind of lifestyle and future do I want for a child? Type of schooling? Vacations? How much should I start budgeting for now?
Our third part of this is the logistic aspect of how to raise a child.
We’ve all heard it takes a village, and for single parents this can be even more important when you decide to start your family. Infant care costs more than college tuition in 33 states due to a severe shortage of childcare services and other causes. The type of care you choose will depend on the flexibility of your workplace, your commute, and other factors. Much like the questions we listed out earlier this week, deciding on the involvement of your own family is an important consideration, as you may need to lean on your parents or relatives to help with childcare.
Questions to ask yourself:
- Who will make up my village? Have I talked to my family and friends about their possible involvement?
- How much space will I need? Will I need to move to a more affordable area to have enough space for a child?
- Where are my friends in their timeline of starting a family? Can we pool childcare resources?
- Is my current job or company going to understand the needs of a single parent? If not, what are my transferable skills, and what other career options do I have?
I think most importantly, the question to ask yourself is why do I want kids? Having a child is a big process, no matter what your situation, and if you do decide to raise a child alone, there will be additional challenges faced. Take some time to sit down and ask yourself why, and write down the reasons. Hang them up on your fridge or somewhere you can read them and remind yourself that this is very important to you, and you will find a way to make it happen.
And, as always, lean on us whenever you need information, resources, a supporting community, or a hype team.
